The sun was just beginning to set as paramedics assisted Marcus Alvarez to an ambulance just outside Clara Dixon dormitory. The emergency; being too high. The Rochester freshman reportedly called 911 on himself after using marijuana for the first time. Though his roommates assured authorities he only took one “hit”, or one standard dose of marijuana, Alverez convinced himself that he’d be high forever.

While paramedics attempted to reassure the freshman that drugs effects would ware off, Alvarez insisted he was the exception. “Some people get bald heads and some people get electrocuted by listening to the radio in the bath, I happen to get permanently high at the age of 18 and that’s just forever and that’s just the way it is” said a still clearly intoxicated Alverez once arriving to the hospital.

Though many try, no one has ever permanently felt the effects of marijuana. Despite this fact, Alvarez has already begun to prepare for what he believes will be a new style of living. Prior to paramedics arriving, Alverez procured 27 identical Snuggies, a $1500 Brookstone massage chair, and all 16 seasons of Cops.

“I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened,” says Phil Danielson, head of the Richmond emergency department, “but at the beginning of every school year, there’s always a couple freshman who fall down the same rabbit hole. “