After a 6000-year tenure reign, Lucifer announced he will relinquish his reigns as master of the Underworld. The long awaited announcement sent ripples through the Satanist community as Hell comes off a record quarter for growth. With Lucifer stepping down, major questions are left unanswered including: Who will create major natural disasters? Who will convince impressionable young men to sell their souls in exchange for the ability to play the fiddle? Who will poke holes in condoms? And finally, who will oversee the restless souls of the underworld?

When asked the reason behind his departure, Lucifer stated, “The whole thing just stopped being fun. I got into this gig to hang around badasses like Genghis Khan and Scarface, but now a’days it seems like all I get are mass shooters or ahigh-frequencyy traders, and I don’t like hanging around those assholes just as much as the next guy”.  Lucifer also expressed interests in following his other passions. “I recently started tweeting. I’ve always liked comedy. Maybe I’ll start a web series or something, I’m not quite sure yet”.

Lucifer also expressed interests in following his other passions. “I recently started tweeting. I’ve always liked comedy. Maybe I’ll start a web series or something, I’m not quite sure yet”.

Robert Marcus, CEO of Time Warner Cable, will serve as the interim CEO while Hell searches for a new leader. Though some question Marcus’s experience, Lucifer only had positive remarks, “The man runs the equivalent of Hell on Earth, so I have no doubt he’ll do a great job in the underworld.”

In the meantime, multiple reports have suggested that St. Peter, the gatekeeper to heaven, has been tapped to take the position full-time. “Heaven’s not exactly the young startup it once was, there’s no upward mobility there anymore. If St. Peter wants to meet his full potential, he’ll have to head downtown”, a source familiar with the situation told our reporters.  Following a going away party with one of Satan’s most classic inventions, a stale bargain vanilla frosting cake from Wal-Mart, Hell will retire his red cape and the entire spiritual universe will be left to contemplate the future of the underworld.

Following a going away party with one of Satan’s most classic inventions, a stale, bargain, vanilla-frosting cake from Wal-Mart, Hell will retire his red cape and the entire spiritual universe will be left to contemplate the future of the underworld.