After being purchased from the clearance section of the Home Depot gardening section by a 20-year-old student named Melissa, Clarence, a small basil plant, was aware of the precarious situation he found himself. “Listen, if Melissa hadn’t rescued me, I’d probably be dead at the bottom of a compost bin months ago”, says Clarence. “That said, I know life in
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ISIS wants you (yes you!) to be our Summer 2017 PR Intern!!!
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With only one day left until Thanksgiving, Hooch, the 23-day-old mustache that sits atop 21-year-old Bobby Clements’ upper lip, methodically prepares for what will be the biggest hurdle in his career thus far. As he puffs himself up and tries to reach maximize surface area and volume, he knows what is at stake; none of Bobby Clements’ mustaches have ever
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Steve Jobs. Bill Gates. Mark Zuckerberg. These are just a few of the wildly successful tech luminaries who dropped out of college to pursue their dreams and build a tech empire. Now you can too, thanks to Lowbar College. Located in Silicon Valley, Lowbar offers an unheard of educational proposition; enroll and drop out. The first educational institute of its
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Dear Regular Listerine User, Every morning I awake in a panic, knowing there is only a sliver of hope I will live another day. Looking upon my family, I hold my son just as my father held me only yesterday. In his final moments, he whispered, “Isaiah, you must go on. You are the 0.1% that will continue our kind.”
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Google Maps confirmed Steve Brenner was on the fastest route to the Tomkins Regional Bank when his belly-shaking laughter subsided to a light chuckle. Brenner assumed yet another round of laughter was soon to come, but instead the unthinkable happened. His light chuckle faded into a trying smile, and soon, the college housing landlord of 25 years, was solemn. For
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On the 151st anniversary of President Lincoln’s assassination, the historic Lincoln Memorial has announced plans to add a bar and grill to the national monument, making it the first presidential memorial ever to do so. The bar, which will be arranged by a 40 person congressional committee with a budget of approximately $1 billion dollars, will be named “Abe and
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Bozeman, MT Tragedy struck in Bozeman this weekend when a supposedly ‘indestructible’ fort collapsed, severely injuring two children in the process. Erected by Peter Johnson, 7, and Jacob Johnson, 11, in the family’s living room, the fort was made of pillows, blankets, clothespins, neckties, and a broom. The clubhouse was reported to have four entranceways, a turret for spying, a
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After a 6000-year tenure reign, Lucifer announced he will relinquish his reigns as master of the Underworld. The long awaited announcement sent ripples through the Satanist community as Hell comes off a record quarter for growth. With Lucifer stepping down, major questions are left unanswered including: Who will create major natural disasters? Who will convince impressionable young men to sell
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The sun was just beginning to set as paramedics assisted Marcus Alvarez to an ambulance just outside Clara Dixon dormitory. The emergency; being too high. The Rochester freshman reportedly called 911 on himself after using marijuana for the first time. Though his roommates assured authorities he only took one “hit”, or one standard dose of marijuana, Alverez convinced himself that
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The Common Friend 