Author Archives: AL

Lincoln Memorial Announces Renovations to Include Bar and Grill

On the 151st anniversary of President Lincoln’s assassination, the historic Lincoln Memorial has announced plans to add a bar and grill to the national monument, making it the first presidential memorial ever to do so. The bar, which will be arranged by a 40 person congressional committee with a budget of approximately $1 billion dollars, will be named “Abe and

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Tragic Pillow Fort Collapse Severely Injures Two

Bozeman, MT Tragedy struck in Bozeman this weekend when a supposedly ‘indestructible’ fort collapsed, severely injuring two children in the process. Erected by Peter Johnson, 7, and Jacob Johnson, 11, in the family’s living room, the fort was made of pillows, blankets, clothespins, neckties, and a broom. The clubhouse was reported to have four entranceways, a turret for spying, a

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Lucifer to Step Down as CEO of Hell

After a 6000-year tenure reign, Lucifer announced he will relinquish his reigns as master of the Underworld. The long awaited announcement sent ripples through the Satanist community as Hell comes off a record quarter for growth. With Lucifer stepping down, major questions are left unanswered including: Who will create major natural disasters? Who will convince impressionable young men to sell

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Freshman Convinced He’ll Be This High Forever

The sun was just beginning to set as paramedics assisted Marcus Alvarez to an ambulance just outside Clara Dixon dormitory. The emergency; being too high. The Rochester freshman reportedly called 911 on himself after using marijuana for the first time. Though his roommates assured authorities he only took one “hit”, or one standard dose of marijuana, Alverez convinced himself that

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