CHICAGO, Illinois– On Sunday, Mitchell Johnson, 52, was devastated when he had to attend a Chicago Cubs baseball game without the comfortable lens protection of his favorite Oakley ‘Radarlock’ sunglasses. After searching his home for approximately 15 minutes, Johnson was reported to yell “Maria, my sunglasses! You know I can’t watch Anthony Rizzo hit those monster salamis without my sunglasses!”

Bozeman, MT Tragedy struck in Bozeman this weekend when a supposedly ‘indestructible’ fort collapsed, severely injuring two children in the process. Erected by Peter Johnson, 7, and Jacob Johnson, 11, in the family’s living room, the fort was made of pillows, blankets, clothespins, neckties, and a broom. The clubhouse was reported to have four entranceways, a turret for spying, a

Portland, Maine Only three hours after breaking ground, local ten year-olds Justin and Dan have announced they will halt construction on their hole to China until further notice. The hole, which was originally conceived to, “Go all the way through the middle of the world to China!” was a heavily contested project, drowning in red tape since its inception just 7